God in the Dark

Ataxia makes me feel small, ashamed, embarrassed, humbled, scared. I feel small because ataxia has shrunken my world. I can't work, so I don't have any work friends or colleagues. I can't have children, so I don't get to set up play dates or talk to other moms about the joys and heartaches of parenting. I feel ashamed when people who don't know me assume that I don't have kids because I'm selfish or shallow. I feel embarrassed when people stare at me or whisper when I'm shaking. I feel humbled, brought low, because I'm not, never will be, well-coordinated or athletic. I'm scared of not being taken care of. I'm scared to travel alone, or with someone who doesn't understand that there are some things I can't do at all, and everything else takes me twice as long as it takes other people. I also feel more keenly my need for God, and I think I am quicker than others to see He's consistently cared for me and carried me through many dark hours.